The Male Menopause - Myth or Monster?

Hey all you middle aged guys out there, can you feel yourself slowing down a little or perhaps having trouble concentrating? Maybe you have recently noticed with impending doom, the onset of man boobs, or just feeling a sense of frustration that the old trouser snake no longer springs in to action with the enthusiastic “boing” of an Olympic diving board? Fear not, you are not ill, you are just the victim of a condition medically known as Andropause, or in layman’s terms, the male menopause.

As if us blokes haven’t got enough to worry about with expanding waistlines, bald patches, hairy ears and enlarged prostates, along comes this evil little fucker to extinguish our sex drive and generally spoil our fun!

“No such thing, it’s all just a myth,” I hear you cry. If only this was true, but sadly it is as real as an MP in a whorehouse, unlike the midlife crisis which is a very contentious issues (more about that later though).

The male menopause is a bona fide condition and unlike the female version, which comes on quickly, the male one is a gradual decline as the old Testosterone level runs out, sometimes kicking in at the dismally low age of thirty. Really, this should be counted as a blessing because, let’s face it, the contents of the male’s scrotums are probably to blame for all life’s problems. Without knackers there would be no infidelity, violence or even warfare I’m bloody convinced of it! Anyway, I digress, here are some of the symptoms to look out for.

1. Depression

2. Lack of motivation.

3. Lowered self confidence.

4. Problems sleeping.

5. Lack of concentration

6. Increased body fat

7. Feelings of physical weakness

8. Reduced sex drive.

What a bastard hey, this is what all you young bucks out there have to look forward to so make good use of your time instead of playing video games, eating burgers and watching gross internet porn. Just remember, the old menopause is, even now as you read this, lining you up in its sights, so get off your lazy arses!

So, this brings us around to “the other one,” the mythical infliction known as the “midlife crisis.” This is cited as the reason so many middle aged men go off the rails and make bloody idiots of themselves, usually causing shed loads of domestic carnage on route. The good news is that there are warning signs out there so all you ladies out there can watch out for them, and most are not that subtle. So here they are in reverse order, the countdown of midlife crisis giveaways:

5. The hair. As this starts to thin and grey, many men will colour it, sometimes ridiculously to shades it never ever was, so often a dead giveaway really.

4. The gym. As the waistline expands and the muscles give way to flab, hours spent in the gym pumping iron can (partly) restore that barrel of a body to its former glory.

3. The big motorcycle. Nothing says “I’ve still got it ladies” quite like being astride a large throbbing hunk of steel. It shows you are still wild at heart and untameable.

2. The sports car. Oh no, it’s such a sad irony that by the time you are old enough to afford a sports car you look a total dick in it, especially if you have a massive beer gut that pushes against the steering wheel.

1. The young babe on your arm. You might think having a young lady on your arm makes you look young and trendy. Wrong! You look either like her Dad or some dirty old paedo especially if you are squeezed in to a pair of skin tight leather trousers and cowboy boots!

There you are, I hope this helps you to a) Stop worrying about slowing up, it’s a natural thing so get used to it. b) Not go out looking like a complete and utter cock.